I owe my life to climbing, or at least my sanity. It saved me when I was struggling with and then recovering from a cult. It happened that yoga and climbing came simultaneously into my life.
The Ukrainian Federation of Yoga is a self-proclaimed pretentious organization with all the sh*t of cults: secrecy, hierarchy, moral and sexual abuse, a charismatic, authoritarian leader, isolation of members, intense indoctrination, and an "us-vs-them" mentality. I wouldn’t call it extremely dangerous, like groups that end in mass suicides or sex trafficking, but there was at least one fatal incident during seminars, and lots of ruined families and damaged lives.
Only a decade after leaving, I’ve actually realized that it was a proper cult, although I did have some doubts after a year there. I just came across a Facebook post from one of the so-called ‘gurus’ I used to admire. I saw how stupid it was and how deeply manipulative. It was odious and nauseating.
I am glad that I couldn’t get high or deep into it, and the only person I brought into it was my ex-husband. I reached out to him, and he seems okay, also staying in it since then. But many people, myself included, were deeply affected.
It lasted 4 years. I lost my family and my circle of school friends, like it was all my decisions and my will, but it’s just how it works. I did lots of experimentation on myself and different practices. I ended up deeply depressed, I gained weight, I lost my periods, and I was literally going crazy.
I didn’t know what to do, but I kept seeking a connection. I’d go to everyone I knew, stay at their homes, behave weirdly. After a summer in Chernivtsy, I returned to Kharkiv and went to Vinnytsia, determined to live with Igor, with whom I spent just one weekend. I packed my backpack. It was huge for me. I threw some things out of it at the railway station in Kyiv. We met in Buky. I was so weak from all that craziness, but I still fought through some routes whenever I could use my relentlessness.
After Vinnitsa I went back to Kharkiv, asked the so-called ‘guru’ what to do, but I was already fit enough to decline his advice, which actually contradicted everything said before.
I found another person who survived such a thing. It was just hearing: you are not alone. You are normal. It’s okay to look for your own way, even in a strange and messy way. And when I felt accepted, I immediately felt my connection with climbing. I went to my ‘mother gym’. I forgot to take money, but the bus driver didn’t mind me going for free. I couldn’t do half a dozen moves while traversing the vertical wall, but I was at home regaining my power and my mind.
