My mental health and climbing, part 2

It’s amazing how a single conversation could rescue me from the deepest hole of depression, when I had gained weight, lost my periods, and was literally somewhere on the other side of sanity. I was searching for something. I couldn’t stay alone, couldn’t come back home, so I constantly stayed at some place, usually at other cult members’ places. The days were going nowhere. It took quite an effort to brush my teeth, not to mention doing anything else like writing articles, etc. 

Before the depression, I had run, climbed, and hiked, so I was thin and fit. Left somewhere alone, I couldn’t stop myself from gobbling up everything in sight. I didn’t ask for it because I couldn’t, and I didn’t need it. It would be strange to eat everything altogether when someone was watching. There was this inner observer, who was absolutely powerless.

I got to the audience of our “guru”. He was ugly, trying to pretend he possessed divine knowledge. Maybe he was thinking of himself as one of those round money-gods. His full-of-wisdom advice was to come back to my parents, despite it contradicting his teachings. Luckily, I lost any trust in him; however, I still came back to the two-room apartment (it’s like a one-bedroom apartment in Europe) where my parents and my sister with her husband lived. In that way, I did my sister a favor while they quickly moved into their apartment with a never-ending renovation. My sister returned the favor. She suggested maybe the only person I could trust for a psychological consultation. He had his own yoga school and had been in the same cult with our “guru”. 

It was just a conversation, almost like friends, or maybe not almost. I am not really good at making friends with people to whom I really feel close. But sometimes our souls speak. He just shared some of his crazy experiments with his life. I just felt myself not alone on the planet. 

The next day I came back to our gym trying to traverse a wall. Actually, I forgot to take my money, but the bus driver let me ride for free, and then I borrowed some at our climbing wall. I could barely do 3 moves in a row. It took quite an effort and about 9 months to come back to the shape I was in and restart everything. But the effort itself felt rather effortless. Meanwhile, Zillertal was being built in Kyiv…

My mental health and climbing

I owe my life to climbing, or at least my sanity. It saved me when I was struggling with and then recovering from a cult. It happened that yoga and climbing came simultaneously into my life. 

The Ukrainian Federation of Yoga is a self-proclaimed pretentious organization with all the sh*t of cults: secrecy, hierarchy, moral and sexual abuse, a charismatic, authoritarian leader, isolation of members, intense indoctrination, and an "us-vs-them" mentality. I wouldn’t call it extremely dangerous, like groups that end in mass suicides or sex trafficking, but there was at least one fatal incident during seminars, and lots of ruined families and damaged lives.

Only a decade after leaving, I’ve actually realized that it was a proper cult, although I did have some doubts after a year there. I just came across a Facebook post from one of the so-called ‘gurus’ I used to admire. I saw how stupid it was and how deeply manipulative. It was odious and nauseating.  

I am glad that I couldn’t get high or deep into it, and the only person I brought into it was my ex-husband. I reached out to him, and he seems okay, also staying in it since then. But many people, myself included, were deeply affected. 

It lasted 4 years. I lost my family and my circle of school friends, like it was all my decisions and my will, but it’s just how it works. I did lots of experimentation on myself and different practices. I ended up deeply depressed, I gained weight, I lost my periods, and I was literally going crazy.

I didn’t know what to do, but I kept seeking a connection. I’d go to everyone I knew, stay at their homes, behave weirdly. After a summer in Chernivtsy, I returned to Kharkiv and went to Vinnytsia, determined to live with Igor, with whom I spent just one weekend. I packed my backpack. It was huge for me. I threw some things out of it at the railway station in Kyiv. We met in Buky. I was so weak from all that craziness, but I still fought through some routes whenever I could use my relentlessness. 

After Vinnitsa I went back to Kharkiv, asked the so-called ‘guru’ what to do, but I was already fit enough to decline his advice, which actually contradicted everything said before.

I found another person who survived such a thing. It was just hearing: you are not alone. You are normal. It’s okay to look for your own way, even in a strange and messy way. And when I felt accepted, I immediately felt my connection with climbing. I went to my ‘mother gym’. I forgot to take money, but the bus driver didn’t mind me going for free. I couldn’t do half a dozen moves while traversing the vertical wall, but I was at home regaining my power and my mind. 

 

Tribute to my dad

 We did a little hiking in Pfitschtal. There were plenty of mushrooms. I thought of my father, of how he would enjoy such a walk and how many mushrooms he would collect. Before the car incident, before his illness, in another life.

It will never happen, it would have never happened. But it was one of my most treasured childhood dreams: to go with him into the forest. 

Now I almost live in a forest, just 10 minutes walk away. And still, I live in a town. It is really wonderful. And for my children, forest is something so regular like almost boring. It isn’t so fascinating for them as it was for me back then. True desires can wait until their time comes.

Meran, kids, ice cream

 Last weekend we were near sunny Meran, but with kids it was messy. It was tough to get up early in the morning and get ready for our trip after the whole week of getting ready for school. It would be really nice if there was someone who did all that work while we could relax in the morning. But parenting has no days off.

Meran was sunny. Boulders were really nice in that part of Algund (Kneodelman). Kids were messy and attention-seeking. And it was like it was: some nice climbing. I liked 5c Rundgand around low boulder. I did the move I thought was to reach for me at another 6a N.N. Kostya worked on 2-moves 7b+/7c. A little bit of walking and ice cream at the end. We could call it a day.

Mountaing rescue in South Tirol: my introduction

 Despite I didn't climb this weekend at all, it was dedicated to climbing, a climbing instructor career, to be exact. I took a 2-day-long First Aid training, which is obligatory for climbing instructors.

On the first day, we were at South Tyrol Alpine Association Mountain Rescue Service in Vilpian. It's a learning center for all rescue workers in South Tirol and it's actually unique for the entire Italy. There are different stations to train firefighters and rescuers in various situations, such as in pictures and many more.

The second day, we spent in Tramin at the small climbing area of Altenburg with an astonishing view, where we trained rescue works at crags, as well as different bandaging techniques.

Some key moments of first aid training:

• They try to go minimalistic and do everything possible with just a bandage and a rescue blanket. The last one is really useful and has a wide range of applications, from actually keeping warm (for an injured person, it's important even when it's hot) to transporting and replacing sunglasses. 
• The number of allergy cases is constantly increasing, and they could be really dangerous and life-threatening without proper medication. In our study case, we met a guy who was sitting on the ground because of dizziness, scratching himself all around. He also said his teeth felt weird. It is a situation to call for rescue, despite it does not seem so dangerous. It's all the symptoms of angioedema or allergic edema. When things are getting really bad, epinephrine autoinjection could be life-saving. Also, only a person themself, a doctor or a nurse are allowed to give a shot.
• Israeli bandage is the most convenient way of applying pressure to a wound. It also goes one-handed.

I am a fighter

 This weekend was homely and cozy. We climbed at our local facilities. First day, it was bouldering in our hard-core long-term-projecting boulder gym in Wiesen. The second day we climbed in Stange for the first time. It's a rather small wall for climbing mostly toprope. And I remembered why I love climbing routes so much. I can often really give it all on a go. It becomes a real fight and I like this state of mind the most.

I'm just a fighter, a f*cking fighter. 

That's all.

And we stocked up on firewood last week.

Austria freind trip

 This weekend, climbing was something special for us because of our friend, Natalka from Kyiv, whom we took with us. Furthermore, we finally found those picturesque mellows with blocks and cows, which are associated with climbing in Zillertal.

This weekend we bouldered in Zillergrund and Sundergrund.

The road through the narrow and somewhat cozy valley to the right of Mayhofer costs 10 euros. But parking is free there. And there is a nice Gasthof Au where one can sleep in a car or in a tent for only 10 euros, and kids are free of charge. It's very nice in the reality of Austria. 

In Gasthof Au

Zillergrund is located on a steep hill in a forest. There is my favorite project for now: Krokodil 6c, the very classics of the area.

Kostya has a pretty hard project there as well - the beginning of this: Hole Run 7b

The approach to first blocks of Zillgrund is very short - just across the road from one of two parking. However, it's steep.

The approach to Sundergrund is about 25 minutes of hiking up. It offers lots of air, views, and cows, as well as many very popular boulders. And it's really kids-freindly. It is one of them: Sweatheart 6a+

Another one: Richis Luder - a very long 6b. I just hadn't enough power to get through the middle and the most sloppery part of it.

The road to Sundergrund